i was beaten down, damaged, crushed to the point that it was all i could do to draw breath. for so long i wanted to stop even that, but i guess there was always the tiniest, most fragile hope that things would get better, and the thought that i could always do it tomorrow. i thought something would happen. some savior would come and change it all. i waited for that. i was conditioned to believe that. jesus. fuck jesus and all the assholes who tell that lie to defenseless children. this lie can allow you accept terrible things, thinking if nothing else, god will make up for it when you die. a decent god would not let me suffer like this indefinitely, leave me in a situation where i am powerless to save myself. he'll be along any day now.
of course i don't really mean fuck jesus, there is no jesus. i only say that to be inflammatory, to piss off the jesus freaks whom i despise.
the weaker i was, the more i was kicked, the more i was dismissed, the more i was taken advantage of. by christians. the "a few bad apples" argument holds no water. it's more like a few good apples mixed in with bad and mediocre apples. bad and mediocre apples masquerading as good apples, all too happy to endorse these fictions if it means their own is validated. this is a sad state of affairs that extends beyond christians, this mutual endorsement of fictitious merit.
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