racism and stupidity

i am in a predicament. i live and work (especially work) in an area with a harrowing level of racism and stupidity (the two seem to be inseparable). racism is tricky. the hardcore ones are easy to spot. at the very least their stupidity is easy to spot, which in itself is enough of a basis to reject them as having no worth. it is difficult to grow up in this country and come out of it with no racism. we are not so far removed from institutionalized racism. those people are dying out, but they brought up children with as much hate and ignorance as they could effect. the stupidity of racism offends me as much as the injuries it causes. people who are not subject to it have no idea what injuries are inflicted. they go beyond the obvious economic injuries. if you have not been subject to it, you should try to imagine walking through your day, having a substantial number of people who come into your sphere hating you without even knowing you. people you pass by giving you hateful looks, the girl who fixes your coffee treating you with disdain, people so repulsed by you that if the seat next to you on the bus was the last empty one, they would choose to stand (in lesser cases choosing that seat only after all the other seats were taken). understand that the cumulative effect of these interactions would try to force into you a sense of worthlessness. in social situations and in school and at work, having the people you could engage with in a friendly manner greatly reduced, and never knowing who those people were. it is invisible, and can be explained away with excuses. "he doesn't have the experience" was often code for "i'll never vote for a black person". because people won't admit to it, even the ones who are grossly racist, you don't see it. but it acts on the people it is directed towards. every generation there are more people who are intelligent enough to reject this ignorance, but many take in what they are taught. they are often only taught a sense of discomfort and difference, and that is enough for them make prejudiced decisions. it is lessening, but still distinctly there. and i cannot tolerate that.

the wrong life

i have been thwarted. perhaps it is why i am so filled with the desire to destroy those who had estimable lives within their grasp, and are unforgivably deficient. why i am filled with loathing so powerful that when it rises i must put it away before it eats too much of me. i do not say such a life was made impossible for me. and i have not given up. but it was made difficult to the point i have not yet been able to overcome. the variables are endless, if i had done some things differently, if some knowledge had come into my view earlier, if this or that had been slightly different…but it is what it is. and i am here, in this wrong place, surrounded by those i loathe. i imagine others, risen above, separated from the rabble by design, having intelligent conversations, doing things filled with meaning. i imagine myself there, but by the time i get there so filled with bitterness there is nothing left for me but to be completely separate.

the meaninglessness of capitalization and the foibles of unconsidered conformity

i see no need for it. is there any reason for it other than convention? because that is no reason. i am bending somewhat lately on the names of authors and the titles of books and movies and songs; things that need to be clearly set apart as distinct works as opposed to my free-floating thoughts.

while we are speaking of convention, to do things simply because it is what others have done is the same as saying, “i would like to be part of the herd, to do without thinking for myself. i do not mind being manipulated into doing things that have ramifications that i will not bother trying to understand”.

diamonds come to mind as an example of such a thing. i see no use for them. have you reasoned it out and come to a valid conclusion for why they are valuable to you personally? is a diamond really prettier to you than moissanite (“moissanite would often fool a jeweler into thinking it was a natural diamond”)? is a diamond really pretty to you objectively, or because you’ve been influenced to believe it should be? if anyone does find objective worth in diamonds and other sparklies, i would quite like to know what it is. the following article i found illustrates the methods of manipulation and the reasons behind it.

“From 1880 De Beers were able to control the supply (and price) of diamonds but how were they going to control demand during a period when sales began dropping dramatically (up to 50%) in the 20s and 30s onwards through the great depression?

Just as platinum started to become popular in diamond engagement rings, diamonds were becoming less valued. Platinum was banned for all but war use during WWII and so the platinum diamond engagement rings as we know them today almost died out.

The answer to the problem was a new marketing campaign commissioned by De Beers that began in 1947. Perhaps you’ve heard the slogan “A Diamond is forever”? This was to mark the beginning of a change in the history of the engagement ring.

Subsequent campaigns would convince families to hold on to their diamonds as family heirlooms… and it worked! Used diamonds were not being released back into the industry which in turn created the demand that De Beers were seeking.

Jewelers were unofficially educated by De Beers to instruct men that two to three months personal wages were an ideal price to pay for the diamond engagement ring.”