Wednesday, March 20, 2013

axioms

I used to hear them. I used to listen a lot. Unfortunately, most people I listened to were ill or broken or obtuse. I might have heard a thing or two when I was young, but by the time I was old enough to chose who I had contact with, I might not have heard a single thing worthwhile. Well, now that I think of it, a couple of teachers, but by high school I was so far gone there would have needed to be extraordinary measures. I was set in my thinking that the world was stupid and cruel, and I was alone in it, with nothing to do but try to survive while taking the least amount of damage I could. And there were plenty to strengthen my view. All but three, and I think only one caught a glimpse and gave me Siddhartha to read, but neither of us tried to reach out more than that. I trusted no one by that time.

I was very smart, I think. But they damaged me so much, I could barely survive, and it was in incredible pain. So here I am, trying to work around the brain damage. The pain has subsided, and I must learn to access other parts of my brain, or if possible retrain the damaged parts.  

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

13

Her name was Sue. Like my sister. She was there the summer I was 13. And October too, the 31st. I must have been 14 by then. I hadn't gone trick-or-treating for a few years, and when she suggested it, I was excited to go. But she showed up with the boy who lived at the end of the tiny street, and I think one other one. I think of him as Albert, but I believe that was his last name. He was sniffing around her, and she seemed to like the attention. I couldn't stand him. So I made an excuse, said I didn't feel like going. I didn't want to admit the truth. I don't think I ever told her. I didn't want to make her choose. I didn't want to feel like that. She was gone by the time March came around. We didn't keep touch.

She told me what to do, but I didn't listen. She was street smart, and knew how these things worked. I did not. And I was afraid. I should have listened. I just didn't understand why her social worker wouldn't help me. If my situation didn't warrant help, they why would I lie and say I was her? I was afraid of what would happen when the woman came to get me. I was supposed to say I was Sue and that I had run away again. So I did nothing.