we are all lost; it only differs in degrees. i have seen our differences poignantly; shall i now see our similarities? how bittersweet it will be, how it will always be. are we in this together? can we now be? we weren't once, you know, you turned away, all of you did, and i was alone. but i am determined to forgive your ignorance, and to try to understand it as that, rather than evil, which it has felt like. i will do what i can for you. i will love. the pain and hatred shall fade.
roger waters understands. can you hear? i'm asking you that.
goodbye blue sky
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
love me, love me...
i should distract myself. i should get busy so i don't hear it anymore, that fucking prodding, nudging voice, from so far away, inside, alone in the dark, forever. maybe she will always be there, there's nothing i can do for her, poor child. i have to abandon her, for now anyway, and hope she understands someday, that i had to finally take care of myself. she keeps crying for love and attention, only she is so far gone, quite mad, having been locked away for so long, it will never be enough. she can be soothed for short times, but it causes more trouble than it's worth, and when the soothing leaves, as it always does, having been more interested in quelling its own thirst than any concern for her, she feels worse, so much worse.
i want to be a veterinarian. i always have, but my mother shot that down when i told her, saying that i would have to deal with the pet's owner, knowing i had difficulty with people (that my difficulty was because of her and my father makes this statement so much more evil), in her derisive tone that deflated me. and of course i lost all will, strength, and direction as things progressed, as injuries accrued and complicated each other. if i pursue this, it will be a difficult road, but i want it, and i think i can do it, which is an amazing, though tentative and unusual, feeling for me to have.
i hate you, mommy. i want you to know that. to really know how evil you are. if you had any decency in you, you would throw yourself to the ground in front of me and surrender to the sobbing like a child, realizing the role you played in the destruction of all of your children, and beg my forgiveness, and ask what you could do now to help repair the damage you have done, knowing full well you can't, you can't even begin to make up for what i've suffered because of you. but you never will do that. you never will allow yourself to feel that. and you will die, miserable and alone, sitting in your own filth because no one in this world will take the smallest trouble to care for you, and maybe then it will dawn on you, but i doubt it. i know you were hurt as a child, and i am not unsympathetic, but you chose the wrong way to deal with that. i could have dealt with your pain, with unbalance, but not with the cold you opted for, so that you did not feel the pain so acutely.
and how badly i want to let these feelings go. they fucking hurt! and they will never be appeased, never. they need to be forgotten, i need to truly let it go, and i don't understand this part of me that enjoys the pain of holding onto it, i really don't. i think the part of me that wants to live is becoming stronger, and may be able to direct my energy to a better place, and just grieve them and move on, for they are dead, it is all dead back there, and to drag around this rotting corpse is insane.
i want to put myself back together now. maybe it's not too late, after all.
(i need a good hypnotherapist.
p.s. i really hate gwen stefani. she is all pop and image with no talent, no heart. what she pretends to have is just that, a pretense.)
i want to be a veterinarian. i always have, but my mother shot that down when i told her, saying that i would have to deal with the pet's owner, knowing i had difficulty with people (that my difficulty was because of her and my father makes this statement so much more evil), in her derisive tone that deflated me. and of course i lost all will, strength, and direction as things progressed, as injuries accrued and complicated each other. if i pursue this, it will be a difficult road, but i want it, and i think i can do it, which is an amazing, though tentative and unusual, feeling for me to have.
i hate you, mommy. i want you to know that. to really know how evil you are. if you had any decency in you, you would throw yourself to the ground in front of me and surrender to the sobbing like a child, realizing the role you played in the destruction of all of your children, and beg my forgiveness, and ask what you could do now to help repair the damage you have done, knowing full well you can't, you can't even begin to make up for what i've suffered because of you. but you never will do that. you never will allow yourself to feel that. and you will die, miserable and alone, sitting in your own filth because no one in this world will take the smallest trouble to care for you, and maybe then it will dawn on you, but i doubt it. i know you were hurt as a child, and i am not unsympathetic, but you chose the wrong way to deal with that. i could have dealt with your pain, with unbalance, but not with the cold you opted for, so that you did not feel the pain so acutely.
and how badly i want to let these feelings go. they fucking hurt! and they will never be appeased, never. they need to be forgotten, i need to truly let it go, and i don't understand this part of me that enjoys the pain of holding onto it, i really don't. i think the part of me that wants to live is becoming stronger, and may be able to direct my energy to a better place, and just grieve them and move on, for they are dead, it is all dead back there, and to drag around this rotting corpse is insane.
i want to put myself back together now. maybe it's not too late, after all.
(i need a good hypnotherapist.
p.s. i really hate gwen stefani. she is all pop and image with no talent, no heart. what she pretends to have is just that, a pretense.)
desperate straits
again, again. what is to be done? i've been moving closer to wellness, but am by no means yet able to stand on my own, or at least i tell myself that. if only...
if only i had a little, if only i had some change, if only if only if only...
i don't have this song and i couldn't see it on youtube from here, the real version, and all the live performances are recent. and for him it seems to have stopped. he doesn't feel it anymore. good for him. but he should stop performing this one. it makes for weak fare. i hope to get to when it stops. at least it's not constant anymore.
i am scared, i am hurt, and i guess that gets tiresome. i know it does because i have taken a walk on the other side of this equation. i cannot deal with them anymore. they will pull me down with them. now they were nuts. only it is not all i am, there is so much more, and i can see the light at the end of that long, dark tunnel. but what happens now? my best efforts may not be enough. i did so want to do something, i have tried, but it always dies. there is nothing here for it to live on. and so i put it in a bottle, but the ether is so littered with them, i am lost in a sea of meaningless bottles, so unsure of who i am, the very few who have heard me impotent to carry the message further.
i want to say so much more, i always do, and the words are not there, not the right ones, and not enough of them. it is so delicate, so intricate, and it is there, but to extract it in the first place, from where it lives, in my dense jungle, and then to clarify, well, that will take time, and it is getting dark again, again, as it does, and my compass just spins.
hello.
can you hear me? am i wasting my time? it doesn't matter. i can't stop it anyway, even if it were a waste. it still makes me feel like something more than nothing, even if i remain lost.
two words will do, if it is all you can muster. but if you have more, i'll gladly take them, for it is a jungle and a desert at once. would you leave me here, alone, with a dull machete and my water low...
if only i had a little, if only i had some change, if only if only if only...
i don't have this song and i couldn't see it on youtube from here, the real version, and all the live performances are recent. and for him it seems to have stopped. he doesn't feel it anymore. good for him. but he should stop performing this one. it makes for weak fare. i hope to get to when it stops. at least it's not constant anymore.
i am scared, i am hurt, and i guess that gets tiresome. i know it does because i have taken a walk on the other side of this equation. i cannot deal with them anymore. they will pull me down with them. now they were nuts. only it is not all i am, there is so much more, and i can see the light at the end of that long, dark tunnel. but what happens now? my best efforts may not be enough. i did so want to do something, i have tried, but it always dies. there is nothing here for it to live on. and so i put it in a bottle, but the ether is so littered with them, i am lost in a sea of meaningless bottles, so unsure of who i am, the very few who have heard me impotent to carry the message further.
i want to say so much more, i always do, and the words are not there, not the right ones, and not enough of them. it is so delicate, so intricate, and it is there, but to extract it in the first place, from where it lives, in my dense jungle, and then to clarify, well, that will take time, and it is getting dark again, again, as it does, and my compass just spins.
hello.
can you hear me? am i wasting my time? it doesn't matter. i can't stop it anyway, even if it were a waste. it still makes me feel like something more than nothing, even if i remain lost.
two words will do, if it is all you can muster. but if you have more, i'll gladly take them, for it is a jungle and a desert at once. would you leave me here, alone, with a dull machete and my water low...
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