desperate straits

again, again. what is to be done? i've been moving closer to wellness, but am by no means yet able to stand on my own, or at least i tell myself that. if only...

if only i had a little, if only i had some change, if only if only if only...

i don't have this song and i couldn't see it on youtube from here, the real version, and all the live performances are recent. and for him it seems to have stopped. he doesn't feel it anymore. good for him. but he should stop performing this one. it makes for weak fare. i hope to get to when it stops. at least it's not constant anymore.

i am scared, i am hurt, and i guess that gets tiresome. i know it does because i have taken a walk on the other side of this equation. i cannot deal with them anymore. they will pull me down with them. now they were nuts. only it is not all i am, there is so much more, and i can see the light at the end of that long, dark tunnel. but what happens now? my best efforts may not be enough. i did so want to do something, i have tried, but it always dies. there is nothing here for it to live on. and so i put it in a bottle, but the ether is so littered with them, i am lost in a sea of meaningless bottles, so unsure of who i am, the very few who have heard me impotent to carry the message further.

i want to say so much more, i always do, and the words are not there, not the right ones, and not enough of them. it is so delicate, so intricate, and it is there, but to extract it in the first place, from where it lives, in my dense jungle, and then to clarify, well, that will take time, and it is getting dark again, again, as it does, and my compass just spins.

hello.

can you hear me? am i wasting my time? it doesn't matter. i can't stop it anyway, even if it were a waste. it still makes me feel like something more than nothing, even if i remain lost.

two words will do, if it is all you can muster. but if you have more, i'll gladly take them, for it is a jungle and a desert at once. would you leave me here, alone, with a dull machete and my water low...