the wrong life

i have been thwarted. perhaps it is why i am so filled with the desire to destroy those who had estimable lives within their grasp, and are unforgivably deficient. why i am filled with loathing so powerful that when it rises i must put it away before it eats too much of me. i do not say such a life was made impossible for me. and i have not given up. but it was made difficult to the point i have not yet been able to overcome. the variables are endless, if i had done some things differently, if some knowledge had come into my view earlier, if this or that had been slightly different…but it is what it is. and i am here, in this wrong place, surrounded by those i loathe. i imagine others, risen above, separated from the rabble by design, having intelligent conversations, doing things filled with meaning. i imagine myself there, but by the time i get there so filled with bitterness there is nothing left for me but to be completely separate.