my brother was an asshole

My brother was the only one who ever showed me kindness in my family, so I clung to that and ignored everything else. He pulled the wings off of flies for fun. I rescued them and fed them when I found them. I had no love for flies in particular, but the horror of it made me want to help them. He gave me vivid and terrifying nightmares by telling me that there were monsters in the basement. Not to mention not going to the basement, which was fixed up as a rec room, and where all the toys were. He gave me a ride on his mini bike and went way too fast until I was terrified. That in itself is not deplorable, but I believe he enjoyed my distress, and being the cause of it. Perhaps it gave him a sense of power, as powerless as we all were against our father's madness. He did something to my cat, the only other thing that gave me any affection. I don't remember what it was, but it upset me so much I chased him out of the house and around it with a steak knife. I fully meant to hurt him, and he saw that, and though I could not catch him, I would not have stopped. He had to get our mother. Now we come to the molestation. He was old enough to know better. Not perhaps when he was 14 and I was 9, and he wanted to play doctor and was fully erect, but certainly when he was 17 and I was 12, and he touched me a few times. I could have stopped it and wanted to, only there was an intense fear that if I rejected him, I would lose the only person I had in the world. I loved him dearly. I ignored everything bad. When everyone else is cruel and uncaring, you don't have to do much to win a child's loyalty and undying love. And this is why his suicide devastated me when I was 14. I was left all alone, in a harsh, cruel, uncaring world, and I had no clue how I could survive it. My differences always set me apart and I never learned how to make friends, so I had none. When he died, not one person, not one of the many relatives, not one teacher, ever even asked if I was alright. Not even that insincere question, I didn't even get that much.